for whatever reason as of late i will feel random waves of depression. usually i don't think anything will trigger it... but my mind moves a hundred miles a second as of late that i can't remember if something triggers it or not.
today i looked at my child and started crying and i couldn't tell if it was out of sadness or joy. i think that's the first time its ever happened to me. i think maybe it started out tears of joy and then slowly turned to sadness. i love my daughter. she is the best part of my life. but she also brings out a whole lot of fear in me. i'm battling fear on a regular basis right now. for whatever reason i will randomly start to question death and i will almost freeze. i'm terrified of it. i've been beginning to wonder if that's the only reason i am trying to find faith. i'm not looking for faith but reassurance that death will not be everything i fear. nothingness. i barely ever dream anymore. so it's like i fall asleep, i see and experience nothing for what feels like a minute or two and then wake up. while i was at work the other day it dawned on me that what if death is just going to sleep without dream and then you're waiting to wake up and it doesn't happen. that scares the shit out of me. i'm crying about it right now.
my cynicism is getting in the way of everything. my faith. my ability to feel comfortable. i am back to questioning everything. i don't know why. i can't explain why. the worst part is i don't want to and i can't stop myself from doing so. i am doubting my ability to make a relationship with God. i am doubting my ability to ever truly feel content with the way my life will be from here on out. i am doubting i will ever find a way to control all this fear i am starting to experience.
this past weekend was father's day to which i spent it in the ER. the sinus pain i had been having came to a high note and i was in the worst pain i have ever been in. which is saying something for someone who at the age of twelve had an appendix that grew to seven inches and starting squeezing his stomach. the pain in my face just made me hysterical and i had a panic attack practically the entire time i was in pain which lasted a few hours. i took two oxycodone at home. didn't do anything. they gave me two percocet when i went back to my room in the ER. after a half hour it still hadn't done a thing to stop the pain. they gave me a shot of morphine in my hip and after twenty minutes the pain was still strong. finally they gave me a small morphine IV and i think it stopped the pain. i can't remember. it knocked me out so either way it ended up helping. somewhere along the way i was given an arm band to monitor my oxygen levels and i found out why shortly after because every time i would start to fall asleep my oxygen would drop a little. and there was a couple times where it dropped a lot. the scariest part of all this was the fact that i felt an unbelievable sense of comfort when it was dropping. it would drop and it felt so relaxing that i almost started to want to let it drop.... well that basically means it came to a point where i wanted it to drop. so does that translate to i wanted to die? i mean i was so drugged out of my mind i guess it can be argued that i wouldn't have been able to realize what i really wanted at all....
but i remember that feeling vividly.
the feeling of almost falling asleep...
hearing the machine starting to beep because my oxygen was dropping...
and thinking... it was fine.
i think i am starting to become scared of myself.
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