Not even His love...

Think it masochistic
The urge to torture ourselves is insanity
We set ourselves up for such a horrid fall
For some, Just to influence vanity

You brought the hammer upon yourself
You pre destined your soul to be destroyed
No point in drowning your sorrow
It's a feeling no poison can help avoid

Such stupid creatures
Filled up with too much pride
And face self disintegration
Over a feeling they contrive

Such notions can only kill yourself...

Song 3

Burn, every bridge
Every life
Trying to help you
Survive

Will you truly let go of everything
That's made you this way?
Can it be a comfort to know you'll never
Get rid of the pain?

I know that you've been alone in this
Battle for far too long
And now you're content with performing
Your swan song

Self destruction
No submission
Don't tell me you don't want this to
End in misery

It'll only end
End in misery

You give yourself away
Never fearing a single consequence
How many times have you played victim
To the predator's violence?

Cut open those old scars
Release the burdens you try to ignore
They'll never stop weighing you down
Just throw them out and walk through this door

Self destruction
No submission
Don't tell me you don't want this
To end in misery

It'll only end
End in misery

(no lyrical ideas for the melodic part as of yet)

I hope your eyes open
To the light
I'll pray each day that you
Start to fight
Release the fire caged deep
Within you
Defend yourself from the evil
Killing you

Song 4

BRACE FOR IMPACT song 4


Faithless soul
Burnt and scarred by the wretched
Those who abuse His name
To fuel all their pride
Senseless to me as they betray
never looking for the path
To end your misery
You give them all
Too much power and glory

Be not afraid
He'll guide the way
Don't hesitate
He'll guide the way


For forever and a day
I was once just like you
Afraid to put my faith
In something I couldn't prove

It was never easy
I knew it would never be easy

I'm not above a crisis of faith
But I still always fight
And I'll always embrace the light
I know He'll give me a better life

Find your way
Amongst the fray
There is a Prayer guiding you home
Guiding us home
Find your way
I promise its a better place
There's nothing you have to lose
For now I'll pray....

FIND YOUR WAY

Oh my god, tonight, what have I become?
I feel release that I never knew I hungered for
Still need reprieve for things that I've done
But my breathe leaves, and I'm content in breathing no more

How did I fall to this? When did I lose my hope?
All of this pain, drives me to the unknown
The alarm sounds, i gladly slip away
It's almost like I feel my soul escape

I'm feeling just fine to die
I'm feeling just fine to die

For forever and a day i've had this fear
What if I don't see You after I close my eyes
my lungs have been drained, my heart no longer moves
There's only darkness after my demise

How did I fall to this? When did I lose my hope?
All of this pain, drives me to the unknown
The alarm sounds, i gladly slip away
It's almost like I feel my soul escape

I'm feeling just fine to die
I'm feeling just fine to die
I'm feeling just fine to die
I'm feeling just fine, flatline

Nurse, nurse, we have a problem here
He's not responding, he's not responding
God I'm praying to you I need him here
He's not responding, I'm not responding

broken and bruised
perhaps you'll learn to die tonight

every minute you used to grow colder
I've used my time to learn to forgive
you've kept this disease, forever the loner
and i give my hand, every day that I live

so much for salvation
you tried to barter
for an easy life
turned from your martyr
cut all the ties
you once gave value
open your eyes
there's still a life for you....

There's still a life for you

All the tools of your self destruction
Won't ever fulfill, they'll never fulfill your need
For security, stability, the dream for peace
You're just biding your time
Until you can die

so much for salvation
you tried to barter
for an easy life
turned from your martyr
cut all the ties
you once gave value
open your eyes
there's still a life for you....

All the tools of your self destruction
Won't ever fulfill, they'll never fulfill

such a failure

broken years piled on top of one another
ignored your role, had vices to smother
only care about the chance to get away
to this day you take every escape


someone called you mother once upon a time
and to you, leaving them behind felt just fine
did you ever even try to be what they really needed?
your goal was to enjoy your life and you succeeded

can't say a prayer...
for such a failure...
can't say a prayer...
for such a failure



a man left with no choice but to work most of everyday
and children left wondering is every family this way?
now they've grown and thanks to you they don't know how to feel
i curse you for showing her love could never be real

someone called you mother once upon a time
and to you, leaving them behind felt just fine
blame everyone around you for letting your life fall apart
God please tell me creatures like this don't have a heart


can't say a prayer...
for a such a failure....
can't say a prayer....
for such a failure....

how can they forgive and forget
when you remind them everyday how much you didn't care?
you drink, you fall, you only live to kill yourself
and you had the nerve to think you could repair

can't say a prayer....
for such a failure...
won't say a prayer....
for such a failure....


in the end i pity you for ruining your relationship with anyone that ever got close to you. i hope you carry shame like a burden. i hope you have remorse for the childhoods you ruined so you could live without a worry. i'll still hope God shows mercy. And I'll still say prayers that you turn around. But I can't help but think, they'll all be wasted.

Take Me

I lead those days to the edge of the cliff
Sent them over and waited for the lift
I knew that part of me had to die
No garauntee I'd be given to fly


what the hell had i been waiting for?
the brightest sign? words like "I am with you"?
why couldn't I fight my own mind?
a devil smiling, hiding the truth


take me O Lord
I'll keep waiting until you show me what I am to be
take me O Lord
as your new servant I am done contemplating, I swear I am waiting


Just show me where I have to go...


the tears I shed fall from my wasted apathy
the blood I've lost, well spent, for my belief
now i declare I see, I am free
CHRIST YOU'VE PROVEN YOU'RE THE BEST THING FOR ME


lie broken, will stolen,
i was drowning, always drowning,
awoken, love spoken
I have risen, from my own prison


and now I walk, full of comfort and peace
the devil in me, won't stop until I decease
he will try to take everything You have gave
I will fight for you and me and all of us


Lord I've only one request
GIVE ME THY BLADE

forgotten

everyday i keep looking
for a peace of mind
and each day it keeps getting
harder to find


though I look for you
i feel not an ounce of progress gained
is there something exact
i need to attain?


could this be 
a hopeless venture?
could I be
another empty creature?
could You be
another security to lose?
could You be
a simple nothing to use?


show me something
just say anything
this feeling is attacking me
too often
show me anything
just say something
prove to me that
i'm not forgotten


another day felt wasted
they all look so assured
and here i sit feeling so lost
i want to be cured
what do i have to do?
repent? confess? lay it all down on the line?
haven't I done that enough?
I've left things to faith so many times

could this be 

a hopeless venture?

could I be

another empty creature?

could You be

another security to lose?

could You be

a simple nothing to use?

____________________________________________________________

had to stop. my daughter came over to the computer and typed all this....

fbbbbnbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

and then told me it says "I love daddy". that'll be all from me today.

fear. fear. fear.

for whatever reason as of late i will feel random waves of depression. usually i don't think anything will trigger it... but my mind moves a hundred miles a second as of late that i can't remember if something triggers it or not.

today i looked at my child and started crying and i couldn't tell if it was out of sadness or joy. i think that's the first time its ever happened to me.  i think maybe it started out tears of joy and then slowly turned to sadness. i love my daughter. she is the best part of my life. but she also brings out a whole lot of fear in me. i'm battling fear on a regular basis right now. for whatever reason i will randomly start to question death and i will almost freeze. i'm terrified of it. i've been beginning to wonder if that's the only reason i am trying to find faith. i'm not looking for faith but reassurance that death will not be everything i fear. nothingness. i barely ever dream anymore. so it's like i fall asleep, i see and experience nothing for what feels like a minute or two and then wake up. while i was at work the other day it dawned on me that what if death is just going to sleep without dream and then you're waiting to wake up and it doesn't happen. that scares the shit out of me. i'm crying about it right now.

my cynicism is getting in the way of everything. my faith. my ability to feel comfortable. i am back to questioning everything. i don't know why. i can't explain why. the worst part is i don't want to and i can't stop myself from doing so. i am doubting my ability to make a relationship with God. i am doubting my ability to ever truly feel content with the way my life will be from here on out. i am doubting i will ever find a way to control all this fear i am starting to experience.

this past weekend was father's day to which i spent it in the ER. the sinus pain i had been having came to a high note and i was in the worst pain i have ever been in. which is saying something for someone who at the age of twelve had an appendix that grew to seven inches and starting squeezing his stomach. the pain in my face just made me hysterical and i had a panic attack practically the entire time i was in pain which lasted a few hours. i took two oxycodone at home. didn't do anything. they gave me two percocet when i went back to my room in the ER. after a half hour it still hadn't done a thing to stop the pain. they gave me a shot of morphine in my hip and after twenty minutes the pain was still strong. finally they gave me a small morphine IV and i think it stopped the pain. i can't remember. it knocked me out so either way it ended up helping. somewhere along the way i was given an arm band to monitor my oxygen levels and i found out why shortly after because every time i would start to fall asleep my oxygen would drop a little. and there was a couple times where it dropped a lot. the scariest part of all this was the fact that i felt an unbelievable sense of comfort when it was dropping. it would drop and it felt so relaxing that i almost started to want to let it drop.... well that basically means it came to a point where i wanted it to drop. so does that translate to i wanted to die? i mean i was so drugged out of my mind i guess it can be argued that i wouldn't have been able to realize what i really wanted at all....

but i remember that feeling vividly. 

the feeling of almost falling asleep... 
hearing the machine starting to beep because my oxygen was dropping... 
and thinking... it was fine.

i think i am starting to become scared of myself.

a song i wrote a few years ago....

relief

disturbing reality
you fight to make the cold stay
washing your face
you taste the blood and pain

that pressure can damn
and it can kill
but you won't care
you'll still get your fill

i return to redefine
the line in the sand
and my peace of mind

you get what you want
i just leave
and your hell you flaunt

but i'll come back
and i'll ask
yes i will ask
just look to the past and tell me

did you ever find yourself relief?

finally getting back to music soon....

Not set in stone yet, but it looks like I will be drumming for a local band called Beverly Hellfire. I'm more than looking forward to it. It's been so long since i played drums. I'll be playing metal music again so it won't be anything different but that doesn't matter. I miss playing so much I don't care what genre it is right now.

I just need to play.

epiphany

this past weekend's church service could only be described as amazing. it was an eye opener. and I don't know how, but what I got from it was a realization. that my religious journey must be advanced through music. and it must happen using a nearly decade old project I've had laying dormant on numerous computers.

I have to use BLEDaesthetic to work through my issues. I have to use BLEDaesthetic to find myself. I have began wondering if this is why it never got out of my house and on a stage. I've been trying so hard to make it something I want it to be rather than what I need it to be. For the first time since the moment where I realized it was a lost cause, I feel as though it is somehow going to work. I hope it does. So now I need to find a place to record, and find interested members of a music community I have lost touch with to help me. It's still a lot of work, but no task seems daunting anymore. That's why I feel I am on the right path for the first time since I had this idea.

After a decade...

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

I have my doubts honestly. I mean the guy was able to cheat death for how long now? This isn't about my political views and the fact that I don't like Obama (which I don't). The fact is... a president that I would trust and support to the bitter end could have come out last night and said that Osama had been killed and I still would have hesitated.

When it's all said and done, it solves nothing. It means nothing. It doesn't help anything. Another person died over a conflict of who is right or wrong by our standards. And I am currently and slowly learning it's not our standards we should be concerned with. 


Today is another day.... that's the apathetic side of me talking.

My daughter is about to be three years of age.

I have trouble accepting the fact my daughter won't stop growing. A lot of the time when I am sifting through product from a truck I have to move diapers. And on those boxes of diapers I see babies and wish my daughter was still that small. Still that innocent. Still barely vocal. Still my precious little child that wants nothing more than to be held by her mother or father every minute of every day.

For three years of age, she is already trying pretty hard to be independent. About the only time I feel she ever truly needs me is when she has been hurt in some way. Either emotional or physical. The emotional hurt usually comes from me or her mother because she has been scolded for something she should not be doing. It also comes from temper tantrums over not getting what she wants. She is a toddler after all. But with either hurt she always accepts comfort. Always accepts a hug and being held. Even if I am the one that has yelled at her for doing something, she will still accept comfort from me. As selfish as it sounds, I feel better about scolding her when she lets me comfort her soon after. It helps me feel that she isn't the teen she will one day become. The child that "hates" you for a day or two or three after not getting their way. I pray, day in and day out, that I am given the tools to prevent her from becoming that kind of monster. But in these times, I fear it's next to impossible.

I love her more than I've ever loved anything. I am happy to have given up everything my life was for her. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. She is all I ever care to live for anymore. She is one "idol" I will always have trouble putting second to God.

And so it begins....

 *Disclaimer: If you don't know me, you may be offended by the things you will read in this post. If you do know me, some things may shock you and change the way you look at me. All I ask is that however you have thought of me in the past before reading this post doesn't change because I assure you I am the same person. This post just consists of things that I have never said to anyone. They had to come out at some point.*

I used to have a live journal. Still do. But it seems I can only revisit. I never post. Never have the urge. So in an attempt to get back into having an outlet... I figured a different venue may do the trick. Time for an intro and back story I guess....

Hello. I am Adam. Proud husband for 5 years. Incredibly proud parent for almost 3 years. I work as a 3rd shift manager for Kroger grocery. I live in West Chester, but aspire to move somewhere else in the country.... Somewhere not so populated. I am a failed musician. As harsh as it sounds it's true. A failed musician in this case is someone who put learning "real world" trades or schooling on the back burner to focus all efforts into being able to sustain one's own life through playing and making music. I was a drummer in a band for 6 years that toured this country a half dozen times, maybe more. It ended once I learned of the coming of my daughter and decided I needed to be seeking a real job. One with much more stability and promise. I absolutely hate it, but I think everyone hits a point where they realize it's time to "grow up", and knowing Genevieve was going to be here and I was going to have to provide for her.... I'd say it the most sobering moment of my life. Moving on.

When it comes to political beliefs I am as middle of the road as they come. Which I believe is needed right now, in this country, more than ever. I guess you can say I lean towards Republican, but there are some points in their values I can't even begin to agree with.

As for religious beliefs.... I think I can safely claim to be a christian. I've delved so little into religion and am still learning so much I can't say I'm anything else. I have a very estranged relationship with God, but I believe His Son died for my sins. And I am thankful for it. I still don't give myself to God as one should. Nor am I 100% certain as to how my beliefs work and how this world is. One of my biggest burdens, in addition to my apathy, is that I am INCREDIBLY cynical and critical..... I guess those two go hand in hand really. A part of it has to do with trying ever so hard to be as logical about anything and everything in my life as I can be. As cliche as it sounds, there is still that part of me that questions God when horrible things happen to people who seem really undeserving. But on the flip side when things just fall into place and work out for the better, I can't help but think it is a God that really does care for my well being. Perhaps this could be normal for most religious people now-a-days, but at the church I go to.... I don't see an ounce of such a fact.

The church I attend is the Vineyard Community Church of Cincinnati. I call it the perfect church. One of my Pastors who has a blog on this site has actually said in a service that it is not, but to me it is for the current times. Today, I see a lot more people self-labeled as atheists and agnostics than those who enjoy a life of belief and servitude. I used to be both. I used to be an atheist because science and my idols at the time, told me there wasn't one. I became agnostic because I grew up and learned that science doesn't know everything either. I have become a christian (NOT born again) because of my daughter. Having a child changes your view of the world more than you could ever imagine. Perhaps I can/will elaborate more later, but for right now I am keeping it at that. I still struggle with belief for reasons already stated and more. For instance, I stressed NOT born again because I grew up without religion. I honestly love and adore my parents for doing as such. I wouldn't like to know why they stopped being religious honestly. Both were raised baptist/catholic.... I think? And at some point they chose to stop going to church. Regardless, they have given me the chance to explore religion and a relationship with God on my own. Which, from my point of view, could possibly end up giving me a stronger relationship and belief structure than I could have ever received by being told from the beginning "This is how it is". So anyway, the reason why I consider VCC to be the perfect church.... It is the first church I have ever attended that feels like they are not forcing a single thing onto you. It is the first church I've attended where I have felt I don't have to accept everything the Bible has to offer right here and right now. It's almost as if The Vineyard lends itself to an idea that "Everyone who enters can just ease into what we know is how this universe works... And along the way learn to be a more forgiving and outward focused person". There hasn't been a time where Dave or Joe damned everyone for doing something that the Bible specifically tells you NOT to do. And there hasn't been a time where I felt like someone was going to hope I burn in Hell because I don't believe everything they believe. I can honestly say I have run into such scenarios, but anyway I can sum it up like this.... The Vineyard church knows not everyone is going to believe like they believe, but they really hope you do. Not because that's the way it is.... but because they know it will help you live better. That's why I think its the perfect church. And that's why I love them for it.

Lastly.... to explain the title of the blog and the URL... which also serves as the name of a music project I came up with forever ago. I consider myself to be apart of what I labeled Generation A. A standing for Apathy. I have noticed, along with the rise in those claiming atheism, a rise in the number of people that are in no way empathetic to anyone they don't know and in some cases people they are close to. People from third world countries, people who have to suffer from terrorism, regular people that we all come into contact with in one way or another.... they/we don't care about any of them. I can honestly say I really had no emotions on September 11th, 2001. I didn't feel sorry for anyone in Iraq or Afghanistan when America began attacking in hopes they would start weakening terrorists. And I didn't care when natural disasters hit any place in the world... New Orleans included. There have been many examples of events in my life where I should have felt something, and I didn't care in the slightest. I can't begin to explain why.... it's just the way I am. As horrid as it sounds it's the truth. The reason why I state this, and almost the entire reason for this blog, is to end that trait about me. I don't want to be cold anymore.... because who knows how much colder I can get? 

I don't want it to get to a point where I suddenly realize I don't care for anything or anyone and it scare me to death.